everyone of us has been hurt. maybe one time, maybe countless times. the feeling of a broken heart can be hard to stand. this doesn’t need to be about a relationship. maybe it has been at work or right on the street. we try to get untouchable to protect ourself. being hard seems to be a way to be charmed against citric or judgement. especially when we are on our way out of our comfort zone, to reach our dreams, we have to face resistance from outside – and inside! how to stay vulnerable and why it is so important, even your greatest power, is todays topic.
the basic need of connection
lets get back to where this all began. one day we have been hurt for the very first time. maybe it has been our own parents, our first love or the best friend. there has been a pain down in the chest, that took away our breath. and a second feeling came with it: shame. because emotional pain can feel like being rejected. something broke the connection to the other person. if disappointment and even existential fear come along with this pain and shame, then we have a dangerous and hurtful cocktail that pulls the rug under our feet. because behind all this stands the basic need of connection and belonging. we are emotional beings, that need affection, tenderness and affirmation. and love! but when another human rejects, criticizes or judges us, we believe, that there must be something wrong with us. this person or we put a flaw in our mind, that it is about our being. our self. not our action, but our being. and what could be more hurtful? but let me tell you a very important mindset: there is a huge difference between „you did this wrong“ and „you are wrong“.
in those moments I could feel how the ground starts to shake. the feeling of being not enough is the biggest lie, the greatest lack of energy we can tell ourself. so what can we do against this feeling? how can we cope with this vulnerability?
invulnerable but lonely
one conclusion could be: I will protect myself with everything, that is possible. wearing an emotional armor around ourself. closing our shell. building that well known wall. but this is the exact wrong direction. can you see it?
we long for connection but hide in our shell. being isolated behind huge walls can mean emotional protection and we can sleep without the fear of being hurt, but we take away our own chance of connection. loneliness is one of theist common illnesses these times. but isolation is no strength. people are held in incommunicado as the highest form of punishment. what the holy fuck could have been your indictment that you deserve this punishment?!
shame is the puppet master, that works behind this behavior. not just the wish to be protected, but the shame about that part of us, that has been judged or criticized. this shames holds us back to show ourself, our whole self in all its facets.
connected in vulnerability
the good news: we are all vulnerable. I am. you are. your partner. parents. boss. the aunt you don’t like. and we are connected in this vulnerability. in the moment you realize this simple but sweet fact, you can act of a place of compassion. for others and especially for yourself.
this compassion means to acknowledge, that all of us make mistakes. and all of us have been rejected. we carry the same wound. it doesn’t mean to get hurt over and over again or to hurt others, but to understand, that others react out of a place of their own pain and believe systems.
there is nothing wrong with you. you have made a mistake? be bold to make mistakes! if you hurt someone, apologize, but don’t shrink yourself. your partner broke up – this doesn’t mean, that you can’t be perfect for yourself or someone else. other peoples love don’t define your value. today I am so happy about all the break ups I have been going through, because they brought me to the most loving hearts I have ever met: my very own heart and the one of my girlfriend*.
being vulnerable doesn’t mean to get yourself down, but to walk your path with your most authentic self and to heal your wounds on our way.
how to deal with vulnerability
here are five ways to deal with vulnerability and to use it as your power:
- recognize your feelings! is it shame? guilt? hold space for all your feelings.
- realize that the opinion of others does not have to define your reality. you choose!
- set boundaries. yes, others react out of their own pain, but you don’t have to let yourself being hurt over and over again.
- choose the ones you share yourself with. you don’t need to isolate to be protected.
- talk about your shame. shame gets smaller and smaller, when we talk about it.
how we see ourself and deal with vulnerability is caused by our own mindset. do you feel like your mind holds you back? you want to understand, what is doing on and change your believe systems? click here and start your journey with me!